Bird in a Blizzard

It’s faint at first. And random. That’s the best feature. I never know when a story is going to start. I could be walking the streets of Downtown Los Angeles or stuck in its endless traffic and a voice will begin, faint at first, to tell me of a strange occurrence or confess something it dares not utter to anyone else or explain to me how what went wrong wasn’t their fault. But it’s always a whisper. Never much more than that at the start.

Then the chase begins.

If I absolutely cannot pull myself away from whatever bullshit I’m doing, I’ll jot down what the voice is saying and come back to it at a more appropriate time. This always sucks because I can lose its cadence altogether by the time I arrive at a suitable writing surface. But I’ll follow its remnants in the swirling of my mind, like listening for the chirping of a small bird in a blizzard. It’s a difficult task but once I’ve located the sound of that fleeting murmur I can begin to transcribe its words. It’s here when I’ll discover if my pursuit has been in vain. These voices can be so compelling but the majority lose their strength as I sit alone with them, as I ask them questions, the who, what, when, where and why. It’s natural. Not every voice should be given life. And some come to tell a fragment of a much larger story, one which will require many more voices to complete, while others only speak up to remind me that this, the sound of an unfamiliar revelation, the thrill of the chase, the speechless confession, is why I love writing.

This is the only process I’ve known. A process I didn’t choose for myself. I find it wonderful. To take in hand such a fragile form and grant it absolution with every keystroke. If only everything else in life were as simple.

Commitments: 2017

I’ve chosen the word commitment over resolution because in my warped little mind words matter. I’ve resolved plenty but my success rate on those resolutions has been bleak. So I am employing the power of semantics to fool my mind. My commitments are as follows:

A whole lot more engagement on social media. Taking that first step, simply joining social, was a huge accomplishment but now comes the difficult step of being social. I’m great at face to face, in fact, I prefer it. Attaching some quick quip to someone else’s ongoing conversation seems invasive to me, like a man yelling out his opinion from a window at his neighbor’s dinner party, unsolicited and overestimated in value. Yet, I understand that the medium exists to share one’s perspective, valuable or not. Achieving a higher level of engagement is going to be very awkward for me but it is something I must learn to do and a challenge I look forward to tackling.

Create a schedule. I have a lot to do and all day to do it. The issue with that circumstance is prioritization. I am terrible at sticking to a schedule. I’ve developed a strong distaste for authority and the rigidity of a schedule stirs up that disgust. But I know creating and sticking to a schedule will allow me to maximize the time I have and do good work on multiple projects. Creating when you’re inspired is great but creating when there are no words is the mark of a professional.

That’s it. Two powerful commitments that I know can change my life and will directly determine my success. It isn’t about having a list of tweaks and improvements, it’s about fundamentally changing my philosophy and approach.

So I commit to you, the Universe, that I will be a much more active player on social media and I will suffer through the rigor of a schedule in order to take the next step in my evolution.

Here’s to 2017!

A Year in Review: 2016

I know I didn’t expect to be here. Oh, allow me to explain.

I’ll skip all the boring resolutions I may have made (may have because I honestly don’t remember if I had any) back on Friday, January 1st and delve right into the good stuff.

On September 25th I recorded my first ever podcast with the Cinema Bushidoboy’s Matthew Whitaker and Mr. Lee Van Cleef in which we discussed the groundbreaking film that is Deadpool. (Sidebar: Give a listen to ’em boys, they’re doing it right) At the beginning of that episode (which never aired since we rerecorded the podcast) Matthew asked for my social media information as part of my introduction to the audience. I had none. Which was embarrassing. But I pressed on and though I was very timid to speak (which if you met me in real life you’d know isn’t how I actually am — I gnaw ears and pussies off), horribly unprepared and full of self-doubt and loathing, I came out the other side grateful for the opportunity to sound like a jackass. It was great and I am truly thankful to Matt and Lee for having put me on the spot. At the same time, I felt my lack of social was such a missed opportunity so I set out to do something I never wanted to do; join social and engage.

On August 8th I joined the “Big 3” Twitter, Instagram and Facebook. I stepped into the jam-packed arena that is Twitter with my first tweet: “One more baby step toward the future I want.” at 1:04 p.m. It garnered 84 Impressions and 14 Total Engagements, whatever the hell any of that means. On Instagram, I posted my first photo:

with the caption: “Goodbye Corporate America!” I was off to the social media races, full of piss and vinegar. Slowly, this newfound moxie waned. These arenas boomed with the sound of so many voices. I felt disorientated and with nothing to say. I still struggle with this. Maybe it’s my generation or the fact that at my core I am a very private person. Yet I’m here. Out in the open, exposed to the elements, willing to put up a fight.

On November 7th I posted my fist blog on Medium. After having read so many articles I decided that I should try my hand in this arena as well. Lord was I wrong to do that. My first post: Why I Can’t Call Myself An Author received 12 views and 4 reads. A meager ratio of 33%. I knew I had to take the hits so I posted a second blog a week after titled: Time. The One Thing You Have Too Much Of. 2 views. 2 reads. Ouch! But at least my ratio was 100%. Tiny victories. You’d think by now I would have given up but I am a complex human being (by which I mean stubborn of course) so I followed my abysmal numbers with another blog entry entitled: Too Stupid to Quit. 25 views to 2 reads. 8% ratio. I think Medium wants me to quit but if it had read that blog post it would know that me quitting is not an option for I Am Sovereign. Still, this experience of sharing the dank labyrinth of my mind here has been a kick in the teeth. A kick I desperately need. I’d never allow numbers and ratios to determine whether I continue something or not but I do respect them. I am fully aware that they have something to teach me and if I hope to survive in this space, I must decipher their language.

Enough dates and facts, let’s pontificate.

2016 has been a milestone year. These accomplishments may seem insignificant to others but they are huge for me. Had someone told me at the beginning of the year I would be active on social media and writing blog posts I would have, characteristically, denounced them as crazy. But as I read that previous statement over, I can’t help but think it’s self-doubt disguised. I would hope that I’d believe the very best of myself but perhaps I’m not there yet. Believing in oneself is, at times, a difficult proposition. It’s why I’m writing this post and will continue to do so year after year. It’s a chronicling of sorts. I’m able to log my progress, my thoughts. I can revisit them at a later time and see, in detail, how far I have come.

I’ve fought hard. I have moved forward. But this battle has no end. It will continue so long as I do. The face of the Enemy will change from season to season but my Enemy will remain constant, steadfast as I do. But as this year closes around us I think, perhaps there is no virtue in winning our war. Perhaps the only virtue we can hold to our heart is having had the courage to fight our war at all.