Amateur Writing Tips from an Amateur Writer.

The following are in the order of how they happened to enter my mind.

• Allow your PC to install its updates.

These pop-ups are annoying and take up time, downloading, rebooting and what not, so fuck ’em right? Well, about a year ago I thought the same thing and when that little window sprung up on my screen I chose to pass. Big fucking mistake! I wrote until my laptop reached 5% battery life and at that exact moment the update I had rejected earlier decided to start up. I desperately tried to stall the update but it was too late. As I read the words Do not turn off while updating the battery died and I knew I was fucked. I had to wait until I got home to charge my laptop and as it booted back up, I knew something was wrong. All of my Word document icons looked strange and when I tried opening them my heart sank. They were corrupted. All. Of. Them. I damn near lost my mind. Denial solidified itself quickly. This couldn’t be happening! I couldn’t have just lost my life’s work! No, not possible! Then the anger, not at myself but at those stupid fucking updates. What the fuck do they do anyhow? After attempting to fix my laptop by smacking it, I did the unthinkable: prayed. I started bargaining with a deity I don’t believe in. Please, let the next Restart fix this! Once the scope of my IT knowledge was exhausted (Restart, Hard Restart, that’s it.), I fell into an abyss. I was legitimately heartbroken. I became rudderless, adrift in the endless bleak. My life had ended and suicide was now a viable option. (I’m exaggerating here, kind of but not really.) After a lot of time on YouTube and Google I managed to Reset my laptop, download Word again and fix the problem. Spare yourself the life shattering crisis and allow the updates to run as they come.

• Back that thang up.

USB Drives are your best friend. Keep one handy at all times and backup your work. You never know when your PC will take a shit. Also, I was recently turned on to Google Docs and I’m loving it. I’ve dropped everything in there and unless Google decides to go belly up, my writing should be safe. It’s also great to have access to my stuff on my phone, laptop or when I’m at work. If I can login to Google, I can write. It’s fantastic.

• Your Novel/Chapters should be as long as the story requires.

I’ve come across this question a lot in writer’s groups and while I understand why someone would want to know that the average novel is 60,000 to 100,000 words (I’ve wondered myself), it’s often misleading and counterproductive. I’ve recently read this question applied to chapters which, like novel length, can lead to some damaging practices. Perhaps I should insert an example. The question, “How long should my chapter be?” is unknowable. It’s like asking, “How big should my cock be?”, it’s subjective. Chapter lenght, like cock size, is a personal preference. Say someone comes across a big hulking Chapter One and thinks, “My God, look at that monster! How am I ever going to fit something so huge into my tight reading time?” A valid query. Yet, if that enormous chapter slams down in all the right places with a rock-hard introduction to our protagonist, setting up along the way the tone of the novel and makes people care about what comes next, the reader will be more than able to handle that colossal chapter. The same could be said of a smaller chapter. If it can rock a reader’s socks off and get them begging for more, it has accomplished its sole task.

Size doesn’t matter so stop focusing on it like a pubescent teen and while I realize the metaphor has become labored, allow me one final indulgence: If all you have is size to gauge what is “good” or “not good” then I fear your skills may be sorely lacking. It’s not a knock but a call to action. Take the time to learn, read and better your craft so you aren’t left so susceptible to something so arbitrary as Novel/Chapter length.

• Naming your characters.

What’s in a name? Everything!

So here’s the best advice I have ever come across on this subject, don’t know where I got it from so I can’t cite the source but just go with it. Utilize the name of your character, especially your main cast, to describe their purpose (That word is italicized because I’m reaching here.) within your story. Example: A while back I wrote a sort of play involving a young woman who is committed to a nunnery by an uncle in an effort to spare her the depravities of being born to a lecherous family. I named her Isabella not only because I think the name sounds pretty (It does and damn Twilight for having sullied it. If that offended you, we cannot be friends.) but because the name means “pledged to God”. That’s what sealed the deal for me. Likewise, I named my main character Daniel because he was a hedonist who believed, in a backward and perverse way, only God Himself could pass judgement on a person’s acts and morality so when I read the meaning of Daniel is “God is my judge” the choice was made. I really like this method because it adds a layer of depth and meaning to the character and if your reader is the curious type, they may look up the name and discover the connection for themselves.

There’s also the whole, “Don’t give characters similar sounding names” like, John, Tom, Dong, Delia, Cellia, you get the point. It’s confusing and lazy.

I also do my research and try to match a name to an ethnicity. I’m not going to name a Caucasian character Pedro, or an Asian character Stan unless there’s a very good fucking reason to.

I also like to research names by age. Example: If I have a young, twenty year old character, I am not going to name her Pearl which was only marginally popular in the 1890’s.

Lastly, give your characters last names. You may never use them in the story but it’s a comfort to know they’re there and (At least to me.) it lends to their credibility. Do your research. If a character is Russian, be sure to give them a Russian surname.

Maybe this is overkill but I love all the little people living in my head so I do my best to build their existence as if they were an actual human being. It takes time and can be annoying but I will never forget any of my characters names because they mean something to me and I think you would want your reader to experience the same.

• Write

Kind of obvious but you’d be surprised. I cannot speak for anyone else but I imagine if you’ve decided to walk down this meandering road it’s because you cannot not do it. I write. That’s what I do. You don’t have to pay me, no one has to read it but I have to do it. I have no choice. It’s automatic. So get out there and write. Doesn’t matter what and fuck the rules, fuck what you think it “should” look like or be like, fuck it all and just write. Put the words onto paper. (Don’t really, that was written for effect and believe me, writing by hand hurts. I would write in notebooks with a pencil and I damn near crippled my hand.). Enjoy what you’re doing. Love it. Believe me, first drafts will be shit. No question but that’s okay, better to hold the shit in hand than have it rattling around your head. We can work it once it’s in our hands, mold it, shine it, turn that turd into gold. (Went a little far with the poop, I get that but if it helps anyone reading this, even a little, it was worth it.)

That’s what I got for now. Maybe when I make my bones in this thing of ours I can come back and lay a few more tips and tricks on you.